Fiuh…. it took 3 days to finish it, fiuh >.<
I don’t think it’s good though, but I really worked hard on it. Got inspiration from last AKB kouhaku and I was so heart broken seeing Akagumi lost in that way DX You saw Acchan’s face reaction? Huhuhu ;A; so heart broken…
Well…. Here is my newest fic, hope you like it. Enjoy readers.
The Conclusion Night
“Ohayou gozaimasu…” Everyone greets me as I come in to the practice room. I walk to the corner and place my bag there. I don’t need to change my cloth as I have worn my casual cloth.
“Minna…please gather!” this small girl calls. So everybody in the room are gathering and making a big circle.
“I think we all are here right now. Remember we will have very….very important event next 2 days. I want you all to be more serious on today’s practice. All of you will perform songs that you have not performed it yet before, and use this time to learn and well practice. Stay focus, more concentrate, don’t let your guard down, please learn from the other members if you find any difficulties… There are HKT48 and JKT48 will be joining and they still have to learn more from us. So please guide them if they are confused or find any difficulties. Our event will be successful if you are being serious now. You got me?”
“Yeah!” everyone shouts
“I can’t hear you!”
“YEAH!!!” they shout even louder.
“Yeah good! Okay, that’s all.” Some members break the circle and walk to their position to start practicing except her.
“Akagumi, please stay…”I still stand there and look at her.
“I know you all have already practiced long time before. I know in AKB48 we are family, but its an exceptional for the next event we will have. We have to compete, we will have singing battle and let’s show Shirogumi that Akagumi is better.”
“Takamina has done her best as our captain for Akagumi… She gave us some advices some times ago, she guided us, and she had done everything. Don’t disappoint her, and we must work harder, perform better in the event!”followed by Team K, Sayaka.
“I know we must show the fans the unusual of us, and I will sing Acchan’s Flower, I hope she won’t be mad at me if I bring it so bad.”
I smile to her, “Don’t say that, Sayaka. You have strong voice, I know you can sing it better than me.” She laughs.
“Yooosshhh!! Minna!! Let’s do today’s practice with full spirit! Makenai yo!!”
“Ouh!!” Everyone giver their responds as they slowly break the circle and time to practice.
“Atsuko….” I turn my back and see this small captain.
“What is it, Minami?”
“Ehm…..Are you sure with your song?”
“Yes….why? You doubt me?”
“Ah, no…it’s just….You have not watched SKE’s performance right? You think you can sing this song? You may change it….” I know she doesn’t mean bad, she just worried about me. I smile to her.
“I’m okay, Minami. I will do my best to sing this song better than Rena. Hehe…. Am I too confident?”
“Ahaha…no, that’s good Atsuko. Well, I will be here if you need assistance. My pleasure to help you Atsuko….Anytime, anywhere…. I will be there for you…”
Somehow I feel she said that to someone who is so important to her. And I am getting blushed.
Minami looks super busy after. She guides everyone, she gives advices, and no time for her to practice. She will sing Beginner acoustic and that is too difficult. She has to have more time to practice it, but she is busy with the other members. Will she be alright?
Finally today has come. I am wearing red dress since I am in Akagumi. I will perform in last… I feel so nervous today. Somehow I feel my song is not good choice, but I feel confident. I hate losing on something so that I have to do my best today.
After watching some performances by Aka and Shiro, I think Shirogumi is doing better. Crowd claps whenever its about Shirogumi… I can sense it, and somehow I feel down, I feel doubt. My turn will be so close, and somehow I will perform worse. I don’t know I lose my self confidence… Just know I felt okay, but when I watched Shirogumi’s performance and the crowds, I feel down.
Suddenly I feel scared, I am scared to perform. I lose my motivation, I lose my courage. I just want to disappear, I guess what he told me about was right.
I watched HKT48 and our first overseas group, JKT48. Its kinda a reflection. I can see myself 6 years ago, when I can’t dance very well. They are doing their best to dance, to perform well in front of the fans. I have that commitment 6 years ago and I did my best. So…..Do I deserve the recent AKB48 if just know I felt like a coward?? I have not even performed yet, and I already give up! Makenai! I won’t lose to something like this! They may perform better than Akagumi, but I will show them what I’ve got! Just like Sayaka said, don’t make Minami disappoint. She also has done her best to make us perform better, and I won’t just forget it so easily. I just knew Minami practiced after everyone went home. I accidentally saw her practice in one night. I bet she always does that everyday. She must feel tired. Yeah, I can’t just let my feeling beat me… It can’t be compared for how much Minami has done for us.
I smile in the backstage while watching Minami’s performance. She is doing great… Her voice is too strong to sing Beginner acoustic version, but after all, she’s good. I don’t doubt her quality. She even can sing better than me.
After watching Yuko’s performance, somehow my “don’t want to lose” feeling come up. I won’t lose! I will sing better! I have to sing better!! At least, I can make Minami proud of me. I just want to show her how I have been improving, only showing it for her.
Now its my turn. I try singing from heart. Walking there and here, shimatta… I missed so many notes. I was late on some lines and I sounded….terrible. Suddenly I forget the lyric, oh god I must be looked so bad right now. I couldn’t think of anything. Minami’s face is appearing, all the time, like I am asking for her help through it. In the last part, I can’t even finish it in smooth way. Oh god, I am ruining everything.
We then all are performing, each team is singing. Team B is singing Furage, Team K is singing Hebirote, and us, Team A is singing KazeFu. And then the time we count for the votes is coming. I am so nervous. I can’t face the reality if we are going to lose. But I think we will….Since Shirogumi was performing better than us, then my last performance had ruined everything.
“Shirogumi!!” Kinda surprised when hearing that.. Shiro has won the vote through G+. Everyone looks happy… Now everybody has showed their fans which have red/white color on it. It will be counted…. I am glad there are a lot who pick for Akagumi, but I think we can’t win.
Now it’s the time for the judges to vote. They have to put a pink ball into a box which has red and white color. Then Minami and Yuko place their votes. They put the balls across, I know both of them put it not into their own group’s color box. Yuko places her vote for Akagumi, and Minami places her vote for Shirogumi, its obvious.
“Shirogumi kachi deshita!!” Gossh…Yappari we lost. Shirogumi, they look so happy. We, Akagumi has fully beaten. We lost in everything. I am so……disappointed. I am mad at myself, I blame myself coz I can’t perform well…. I can’t face to the front, I can’t face Minami. Crowds look so exciting about the result. I raise my head as I see all the fans there. They are shouting in happiness, clapping their hands when Yuko received the award. Kuyashii…..its depressing. Although they say Akagumi has also done their best, performed well, but I can’t accept it. We didn’t perform what we actually supposed to. We failed.
Maybe….. I am not qualified to be a singer? Is it? I know in the very beginning, I can’t do both singing and dancing. Fail. Should I just concentrate to one point only?
I got phone call from akip, so in rush I came to his office.
“Thanks Acchan for coming.” He said and pleased me to sit.
“What is it you are going to tell me?”
“Well…..it is about your future. You are going to sing Kareha no Station in Kouhaku right?”
“Yes……Why you ask?”
“Hm….. I just want to make sure…You….still have chance Acchan… Your chances to achieve your dreams are coming. I think it’s your time to reach for it.”
“I don’t understand what you are talking about.”
“Don’t you want to focus just into one? I know you are busy with your upcoming drama, and yet you have to prepare yourself to sing in Kouhaku.” Akip looks so serious. I guess I know what he is going to tell me.
“AKB48 is in its time…it means you will work harder from now on, you will not have choice, Acchan. You will not lose your popularity and your fans when………when you are not in AKB48.”
“Akimoto-san…..are you asking me to…..”
“Yes. At first, I was just a bridge for you. I helped you to reach your dreams and now it is there, why you don’t want to take it?”
“Akimoto-san….I guess I can’t leave AKB48. It’s my family.”
“You still can meet the other members. Leaving AKB48 doesn’t mean that you lose your family. Think about it, Acchan. I am not forcing you, I just want to remind you what your vision is. Although I really don’t want you to leave as well, but that’s your right after all… No one can decide what you are going to do, and not me…”
I know my dream is to be an actress. Akip has helped me a lot. I am so grateful, but I never once think about leaving AKB48, I am not ready yet. I am not ready to be apart with Minami. It’s really hard decision.
End of flashback
After last song, Dareka no Tame ni, the event finished. In the middle of Dareka’s performance, I lost my motivation. I didn’t even part my mouth to sing, I just moved like usual… Akip words were repeating inside, and I couldn’t concentrate. I think he’s right. I can’t stay focus on 2 things at the same time. It’s time for me to choose. This result has shown me what path I should take, and yes…it’s not singing…. AKB48 doesn’t need me, and I think it was what akip actually wanted to tell. Yea sounds right to me. AKB48 still has Yuko, and compared to her, I am nothing.
“Acchan….” Sayaka walks closer to me, and I am sitting on my chair while looking at my “not happy” face.
“Hi…” I try myself to smile.
“Gomen na! I supposed to sing Flower, but I sang Failower instead.” She scratches her head.
I shake my head, “No. You did well today Sayaka, yea compared to my performance. Yours were better.”I give her big thumb.
Sayaka hits my back slowly, “Don’t say that, Acchan. We had given all our best! Btw I need to greet and congratz Shirogumi. Jya ne…” I nod as she walks away. I come back seeing my face on mirror. I look so bad.
Then I feel someone presence beside, I turn and see Minami is standing right there, looking at me.
“Atsuko, are you okay?”
“Hmm….” I nod.
“No, you are not.” Long pause between us. “I know everything about you… I know why you suddenly changing mood, why you mad, why you sad. I know everything….. Just like what happened now….”
“I’m okay, Minami. You don’t need to worry…”
“I am sorry!” suddenly Minami is bowing.
“Minami, what are you doing? Don’t do that, please!” I help her to raise her head.
“I know I was wrong. I can’t help you to find better song to sing. It’s me who should be blamed.”
“Don’t say that Minami. You were not the one who was wrong. It was me, I couldn’t sing well today.” I stand up and stand in front of her. “Sorry I made you disappoint.”
“Never Atsuko. You never make me disappoint. I always proud of you, everything you do.” Minami reaches my hand and holds it so tight. “I never see you like this. You were hardly to smile, no shine on your face…. I know you were disappointed, because we didn’t win. But at least you had tried your best, right? That’s enough.”
Every Minami’s words give me courage. I smile to her, “Thanks.”
I know she really cares and she always worries about me. I don’t know if I tell her about I want to leave AKB48, she can accept it. I must find good timing to tell her this.
She asked me to go home together and I agreed.
“Isn’t it cold?” she then holds my hand so tight. Blushing.
“Little bit.” I look away as I want to hide my red cheek.
“By the way, how is your new drama? Is it fun?”
“Yes it is. I have made some friends… Yamashita-san is so nice.”
“It means you will be super busy right? Even on xmas.” Suddenly she sounds lonely.
“Wait….do you want to spend xmas with me?” I smirk.
“Eh? Of course….” She looks away. Hahaa cute.
“Hehe lets celebrate it somewhere.” I smile to her. I can see she is happy. Haha Minami…
In the middle, I guess I want to ask her about this, my decision to leave AKB48.
“Nee, Minami….. I have question.” She looks at me. “How if……how if I prefer to be actress?”
“You are an actress right?”
“No, it doesn’t like that… I mean, I prefer actress to singing.”
“Eh? What do you mean?” we stop walking right there.
“I know its too sudden, but I guess it’s best for me to be an actress instead of singer.”
“Atsuko, are you kidding?”
“No, I am not. I am seriously asking you.”
“Why? Why so sudden?? What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know too, but I guess…. I prefer to graduate from AKB48.”
“Atsuko……are….you sure?” Minami releases her hand on mine.
“Yes…. I think I’ve made my mind.”
“Is it because you lost today? And then you prefer to leave?”
“Hmm….because of today’s performance I realized it.”
“Atsuko why? I still can’t understand. You will……you will leave me??”
“We still can meet right? You can come to my apartment everytime you want.”
“That is not what I’m talking about! Did Akimoto-san know it?”
“He was actually the one who asked me to.”
“Before Kouhaku, he asked me to follow my dreams.”
She still looks at me with that “unbelievable-eyes”
“Are you running away, Atsuko?”
“You lost, then you wanted to run away from reality??”
“No I didn’t. I know I am not good at singing though. When I leave, AKB48 will still the same right? And….it has Yuko.”
“You can’t be replaced by her! Nobody can’t replace you!”
“Minami, why you suddenly said that? Yuko is better than me, she is good at everything, while me always fail.”
“I can’t believe you are just a coward, Atsuko. I can’t believe you will act like this.”
“Coward? Don’t call me coward!! I am doing this because actress is my dream after all! It’s me who decide it!”
“I can’t hear you leave because you want to be an actress. Actually you are scared to be beaten by Yuko, you are scared fans start to choose Yuko instead of you, you are scared that you will be slowly getting fade away, you are scared you….”
“ENOUGH!!!” I shout at her. It’s the first time I shout at Minami.
“What? Am I right?”
“Don’t talk anymore!! Leave me alone!!” I turn around and she grabs my hand but I just swing it away.
I am crying on the sofa in my living room. I can’t believe Minami will say such a thing to me. So cruel…. But…. Those words why I can feel those are really what I feel? Am I scared losing to Yuko so that I decided to run? Really?? It’s complicated. I can’t find the answer…. I think good sleeping will help me to feel better.
After long sleep last night, I could clearly think what I should do next. About kouhaku singing battle last time we held, I know I was not worth to be a singer. I let the rest of team down…. I was the last who performed, but I gave bad performance instead.
I come to see akip today… I feel I have to end this right now. It’s what he wanted too so he will just accept it.
“What is bringing you here?” he greets me nicely after I sit on the chair in front of him in his office.
“Sorry if I am coming so early in the morning…”
“Haha…..don’t worry. What is it then?”
“Akimoto-san….about what you told me last time….”
He smiles as if he knows what I’m going to talk about, “Aha…..and then?”
“I have thought about it……..and…..I decided to…..graduate from AKB48.”
He looks onto my eyes, he takes deep breathe, “Are you sure?” he asks.
“Yes. I am sure.”
“I thought you are gonna stay as last time you refused to graduate from AKB48.”
“I have kept thinking about it about 1000 times, and I think I am not worth as a singer. Thanks Akimoto-san for being so nice to me in this 6 years.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Acchan. I’m just a bridge for your future career. I am here helping you to achieve your dreams. I am happy when I see some of graduation members have fulfilled their dreams, and now is you. This news might be becoming hot topic in Japan and I know I’ll be losing so much without you….”
“Haha… I’m kidding.” His face then turns into serious one. “May I say something to you?”
“Yes. What is it?”
“I know from the very beginning you wanted to become actress. You had that aura of good future actress and would become success later, but I could see it’s not about acting only, you also love singing. I can say, singing is a part of your life too….”
I admit he’s right…
“One thing I wanna say to you, Acchan. I hope you will think about it and feel its meaning. You are not alone. You sing not by yourself, you sing on the stage with your families. What families do is helping each other and won’t let the other families suffering. They will never leave their families, they take responsible together, walk together, pass the bad and happy moment together, always be together and never be apart.”
I still don’t get it what akip wants to tell me about?
“Once one of their family members is fail, the other family members will come to help. So don’t ever feel guilty about something that you’ve done. None of it is wrong. You’ve done your best, you don’t need to put all the blame on yourself, because you are not alone.”
I widen my eyes. Why does akip refer to that kouhaku battle? Why does he know what actually I’m thinking? He can read through my mind? No wonder he has different eyes though…
“I watched your performance. Everybody had done their best, everybody was doing great. Akagumi wasn’t failed, nobody was failed. Both of gumi had done their best to win the battle. What do you think why I held this kind of competition?”
“To know which one is better?”
“No, you are wrong. It was about teamwork, togetherness. The more you success is how you manage your team to be better. While you lose, it doesn’t mean you fail to manage your team. Everybody is winner. That reward was only a tangible goods that you can touch, but the togetherness you can’t touch it, but you can feel it. And also one more important thing. That battle is not how to measure popularity, akagumi loses doesn’t mean they were less popular than shirogumi, no. They just performed better, that’s it.”
Akip is right. And…….so was Minami. I believe myself is just a coward now. I lose to myself, I lose to everybody. I run from the reality because I am scared….Why I am so short minded? I hate myself! If I hate to lose, all I must do is doing better, right? I am not alone, I have Minami who will always be there for me…. I’m so stupid!
“I think I talked too long. Just take it as my last advice for you Acchan. I wish for your success….”
“Akimoto-san……..I hope I am not late.”
“I’m sorry! I know it’s just my ego, I never think about what family is. I always think that I was the one who took the responsibility for letting the rest of members down. Thanks for your words. I realize it…..”
Akip smiles even wider, “So?”
“I will stay in AKB48. I need to learn more, and I don’t think I am well prepared to graduate from here, yet.”
“Are you sure? Can you balance it between singing and acting?”
“Of course. Because I love both, I will do my best.”
“I see. Glad to hear it Acchan….”
I smile to him. Really big thanks to akip. He’s really good man, I respect him.
It has been 4 days since I left Minami. She never called me maybe she is mad at me. Maybe I must call her first since I decide to stay in AKB48…. But I am afraid that she will ignore me.
I sit on the sofa and take picture of my bad face. I will post something on blog because since kouhaku I have not updated it yet. I don’t want fans to feel worry about me.
TING….TONG… I walk to the door and open it. There she is….
“Hi…..” she smiles. “May I come in?”
“Yes of course…” she enters the room and sits on my sofa.
“I bring you some cakes…” she smiles and places the cake’s box on the table.
‘Thanks. Wanna drink something?”
“Later….” There’s pause between us before she asks me to sit beside her. I follow her.
“I’m sorry about last time. I said something horrible to you.”
“Don’t worry…You were not the one who was wrong. You helped me to realize something, and thanks….”
We are just staying quite again. “I’m not going to graduate. I will stay in AKB48.”
“Really??” Minami looks surprised.
“Yes. I know I must learn more. The now me is not ready yet.”
“Aaa yokatta…..” she looks happy.
“Why you feel relieve? You don’t support me to become actress??”
“Eh, no it’s not like that. Of course I will support you, Atsuko…. But….this time, AKB48 is important too. I want together with you make AKB48 to shine even make it so shiny, so until then I don’t want you to graduate yet.”
“Why its only me?”
“Because you are the one I need. You are my motivation, because you are in AKB48, I’m doing better every time, I don’t even want to be failed even for once. I want you to see me improving day by day….”
My heart is suddenly beating. I think it’s only me who needs her, but actually she needs me too……
“Ah, I am sorry I said something unnecessary.”
“It doesn’t matter……” we both are looking away, blushing.
“Atsuko…..I just want to say you should not blame yourself. Cheer up…. We lost but it doesn’t mean we lose forever, there’s still chance to improve to be better.” She smiles.
“Yeah I know. Sorry for making you worried about me….” I hold her hand and look on to her eyes. Heart beat, nerve is going crazy. Then I pull my hand and I feel so awkward. Suddenly her hand is turning my face to look at her and she kisses my lips. I am little bit surprised by her sudden action. SHE’S KISSING ME!!
“Please don’t say you want to graduate or leave or whatever. I need you here….”
“Hehe are you confused? Sorry I kissed you…..”
“Ah, no…. I’m happy though.” I blush.
“Eh? Oh…..hehe….” she scratches her head. “Well…..Let’s learn together to be better, shall we?”
“Un….” I’m smiling, my heart still beating so fast, thinking about her sudden kiss.
I need more.
I look at her, but I guess she doesn’t notice it.
“Well, I am going to make a cup of tea.” I stand up and pass her then she stands up, grabs my hand and turn me around, she kisses me for the 2nd times. This one is longer and full with passion. I realize that how much I want to do this too….. I give respond to her kiss and I wrap my hands around her neck. We are kissing in passionate way, full with love and care.
I must think positively from now, I must learn more to be better….. Work harder so that I can deserve Minami. The now me is nothing compared to her…. And I guess, our relationship will turn into the dangerous one from now, or……will it be fun? Indeed.
Wah weird DX